yourLDSneighborhood News for Monday, 28 November, 2011

 Effective Parenting, Part 2

by Russ Beck

Most of us tend to parent in the same basic fashion as our mother and father.  It feels natural and right to us.  We are emotionally invested in our parents and love them, which means trying to look with objective eyes at how we were raised is not easy.  We tend to feel as if we are betraying loved ones when we even consider a different parenting style.  Yet it is essential for us to predetermine what kind of parents we want to be—otherwise, we just end up “doing what comes naturally.”  The results may not be what we truly desire for our children.

 

What parenting techniques have worked for you? Leave a comment.

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Review

Not long ago, we looked at Joyce and Dale’s situation.  There was never a question that they loved their son, but their parenting style created low self-esteem within Rick and a sense of unhappiness with his life.  Rick was filled with anger toward himself, which he expressed openly toward his parents.  He was insecure and felt adrift in the world.  This would only intensify as he moved into young adulthood.

 

Styles

There are three recognized styles of parenting: authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive.  Some experts believe there are others, but generally, these are the three standards. Each serves a purpose and each results in a different outcome for children.

 

Authoritarian

Most of us believe this is the style with which our grandparents or great-grandparents were raised.  Perhaps the easiest way to explain the authoritarian style is this: When a child is told to do something and then asks why, the parent’s response is, “Because I told you.”  The expectation is for children to do as they are asked and not to question.  Generally, children raised in this fashion are socially competent and capable of independent living.  The downside to this parenting style would be a lack of emotional connectivity.

 

Don’t misunderstand and think this is abusive parenting, because it is not.  The parents love their children, as in all of the styles discussed.

 

Authoritative

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This method is similar but offers more interaction with the child in the form of explanations and listening.  It is more supportive and less punitive. Parents are more willing to explain why they are asking the child to do this or that. There is, however, a high level of expectation placed upon the child.  Most experts conclude that children from this style of parenting are best adjusted and happy.

 

Permissive

Parents utilizing this method are more indulgent and place a much higher value on discussing with their child why they should do things.  The parents look at themselves more as a friend than a parent. Permissive parenting generally results in a child with lower self-esteem and low self-control.

 

Discussion

Looking back on the case study, it’s apparent that Joyce and Dale were permissive parents.  Their attempts to deal with Rick’s increasing behavioral problems through lengthy discussions resulted in increased difficulties.  Rick tired of what he perceived as lectures on what was wrong with him.

 

Why would Dale and Joyce choose this parenting style?  When we discussed this issue, they admitted it wasn’t a conscious choice—they were simply following what their parents had done. In addition, they didn’t want to appear harsh or mean, and in a typical permissive manner, wanted him to look upon them as his friends.  The results were a disaster for Rick.

 

Conclusion

To sum it up, I believe we can make decisions based upon our heart, but we can also make decisions based upon our minds. I’ve found that we usually make our best decisions when we are using both heart and mind.  To do this, we must be patient, consistent, and informed.  Then, it is possible to choose wisely.

 

Our choice in parenting is perhaps one of the most important we will ever make.  It will affect forever those we love the most. And if that’s the case, why leave it to chance? To reiterate what I said last month … one of the best things we can do for our children is to periodically (at least every six months) review our parenting. We need to consider if we’re following a particular style, if it’s the best one for us and our family, and if it’s giving the expected results. By doing this on a regular basis, we give our children the opportunity to grow into happy, well-adjusted adults.

 

(Names have been changed.)

 

Russ Beck is a licensed, professional counselor with a Master’s degree from the University of Wyoming. He’s been involved in the mental health field for the past 23 years as a therapist and administrator, as well as doing family counseling for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for ten years. Russ blogs at http://russbeck.blogspot.com. In his spare time, Russ writes fiction and non-fiction, and is an award-winning photographer. He’s married to author Cindy Beck, and they have one son, a talented daughter-in-law, and two cute grandkids.