Train up a Child

yourLDSneighborhood News for Wednesday, 28 December, 2011

Discipline: an Opportunity for Christlike Parenting

by Joel Hiller

How do my wife and I teach our young children right from wrong and find the balance between justice and mercy? In our quest to learn what discipline is effective, I’ve talked to a lot of other parents and done a lot of soul searching, and I’ve come to a few conclusions that I hope others will find helpful.

 

Discipline is a hot-button topic. As teachers, parents, or grandparents, how can we do it with love and empathy? Leave a comment.

When it comes to parenting topics, there are few hot-button issues like that of discipline. We were all on the receiving end at some point, and as we grow up and have our own children, most of us (tell me it’s not just me) struggle to find what will work for our own families.

 

Many young parents today grew up at the tail end of the spanking era, with more and more parents making the transition to less physical punishments such as time-outs and grounding. I think I may have been spanked a couple of times, but what we mostly got was lectures. In my mind, having to sit there and listen to my parents calmly discuss what I did wrong was worse than physical punishment that was dispensed and forgotten almost immediately.

 

Now my wife and I find ourselves trying to deal with a stubborn and energetic six-year-old son and a 19-month-old daughter who will soon be old enough to cause real trouble. How do we teach them right from wrong and find the balance between justice and mercy? In our quest to learn what discipline is effective, I’ve talked to a lot of other parents and done a lot of soul searching, and I’ve come to a few conclusions that I hope others will find helpful.

First, being quick to discipline is probably a good habit to get into as soon as children are old enough to understand it. I don’t mean we should overreact and make them sit in the corner for 12 hours if they throw a little food on the floor. What I mean is that we shouldn’t allow them to get away with things at a young age, and then suddenly start punishing them later on for what they’ve always done. I’ve seen friends who were very strict with young children and wondered why it was such a big deal to make their three-year-old put his shoes away. But now I see how they were establishing boundaries and laying the foundation for later patterns of obedience.

 

Closely related to that is the idea of consistency. This isn’t a new idea. After all, we know that our Heavenly Father is the most consistent of parents. When we sin, we are denied blessings, and when we are obedient we are blessed. When our son was four, my wife and I finally sat down with him and laid out some specific family rules, with a consistent punishment attached to breaking each rule. Most parents know that being consistent in applying punishments is probably more important than the punishment method itself. So we finally figured out that the more consistent we are in discipline, the more likely he is to avoid breaking rules in the first place.

 

Next is the idea that punishment is not a one-size-fits-all prospect. A friend told that when he was growing up, the only thing that worked on him was being spanked. For his brother, it was being grounded. I’ve spoken to other parents who have told me the same thing–that we need to tailor discipline to the individual child. For some children, a simple “I’m disappointed in you” is enough to send them crying to their room, while others need to spend time in time-out. I think that our Heavenly Father parents in the same way. He knows what each of us needs to become a better person, and it varies from person to person.

 

There is something more fundamental at play here than making rules and sticking to them. The best way to become Christlike parents is to follow our Heavenly Father’s parenting methods. When it comes to disciplining my children, I realized that the Church provides the perfect model. Church discipline is a loving process, intended to help us overcome our weaknesses and draw nearer to Christ.

 

What, you may wonder, does a three-year-old having a tantrum have in common with someone working with their bishop to resolve sins? First of all, anger is removed from the equation, replaced with love and compassion. I think this is the single most important thing we can learn as we discipline our children. We see how love plays a role here from D&C 121:43, where we read, “…showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved…”

 

Imagine that the next time your child hits his sister, instead of yelling, you calmly tell him that because he did something wrong, he has to go to time-out (or whatever your method is). He sits there for however long is necessary, then you have him apologize to his sister, and then you tell him you love him and give him a hug. He didn’t escape the consequences of his actions, but neither is your relationship with him damaged through yelling and anger.

 

Christlike parenting is a challenge, and I certainly can’t claim that I never get angry. But when we take a step back and try to apply calm, consistent discipline in a loving way, we can foster peace in our homes and raise our children in a way that meets the approval of our Heavenly Father.

 

Joel Hiller is a professional writer, editor, and desktop publisher. He earned his B.A. in linguistics from BYU and enjoys using such words as “indeed” in everyday speech. An avid runner, Joel lives in Lehi, Utah, with his wife Katie and their children Samuel and Allison.